Did you ever eat Pokemon cereal as a kid? It was amazing, but not in the way you’d expect breakfast food to be. In fact, I am about 95% sure each little flake of cereal had its own independent chance of turning fresh milk rancid. It tasted like someone put sugar and sand into a high-density compactor and and filtered it out through a pipe riddled with asbestos as some kind of paste. There was probably formaldehyde in there somewhere, too.
But I reiterate: Pokemon cereal was the Beedrill’s kneedrills. It might have tasted awful, but contextually it was amazing. I think I ate it most mornings out of sheer spite when I was six, because that’s what any worthy Ash Ketchum fan would do. It was like eating your vegetables, except literally the exact opposite — wolf down something you don’t like because it’s not good for you, at least in terms of health benefits. But it was great for your six-year-old brain voice that sang, “I wanna be… the very best!” on repeat all day every day.
By the way, if you think I’m exaggerating about how shit this stuff was, watch the Pokemon cereal review I’ve embedded below.
What do you reckon? I think it’s pretty hilarious in hindsight. The marshmallow designs are so bad — Ditto is a transformative blob at the best of times, but the pink marshmallow looks like it should be on a comic book page with the word “BAM!” scrawled across it. I didn’t know it was possible to make Pikachu look anything but immediately recognizable, but Pikachu’s one looks like a big yellow tooth. Why is Oddish there? Did the marketing team just go, “Oh, we need a green one by the way.” Why not Bulbasaur? Who cares about Oddish?
(Sorry if you like Oddish.)
Anyway, the new Pokemon cereal isn’t quite like the original version. It’s called Berry Bolt, which honestly turns my stomach inside out in the best possible way. I love how much I already hate it. It’s going to taste like Dr. Pepper except it’s been left out in the sun without a bottlecap for 40 days. And it’s going to make me into a bonafide Pokemon master, at least in my own head.
I love the slogan: “Make like Alakazam and grab those spoons.” I feel like Nintendo might have collected all of my personal data and used it to tailor that exact sentence to my interests. Somehow I’ve already been convinced to buy this shite as soon as it comes out. $3.64? Nice one, I’ll take ten boxes. I am going to be so mad at myself when I inevitably spend $36.40 on processed sugar flakes that vaguely resemble Pokemon creatures if they were rendered in the Nightmare of Mensis.
Honestly, Pokemon cereal is the fucking worst. I can’t wait to buy some and miserably force myself to eat it.
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Cian Maher is the Lead Features Editor at TheGamer. He’s also had work published in The Guardian, The Washington Post, The Verge, Vice, Wired, and more. You can find him on Twitter @cianmaher0.
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